No matter how dark the night, ever in the heart burns the Holy Light.

A Severe Mercy...

After the pain comes the learning. At sixty one is not used to having their entire life called into question by those that don't really know you. Such, I suppose, is the world in which we live. We judge with the shred of evidence and think we are doing God's work.

But God is still in His heaven, even when I am too angry to even pray more than a sentence at a time. God is still there. More that simply being, He understands and He is already starting the process of turning pain into empathy and compassion for others. Our Lord is always merciful, even to His wayward pouting children, but sometimes His is a severe mercy.

His greatest lessons often emerge from the fiery furnace and not the pasture of plenty. I could not really reach out to the grieving, hold the hand of one dying, until I had felt my soul rent asunder by the death of my parents. Now I am learning that following Him requires a total abandonment to His will. But oh the price with which this lesson is being bought! It hurts like the fires of hell themselves. The pain, the indecision, the conflicting demands of honor and humility, the giving up of self feels like having the heart ripped out on an Aztec altar. The master said it himself, to whom much is given, much will be demanded. I have become rich in the spirit, and perhaps a bit complacent by His generosity. Thinking after thirty five years in the ministry I was past the pain, past the point at which all falls down. Perhaps I had begun to trust in my own strength to carry me into His presence and so it was...stepping into the furnace door without even noticing it was there until the fire fanned about me.

There is an end, I know that. There will be a time when the hours of prayer feel natural and right again, I am going to say Vespers as soon as I finish here. But my future is unclear, my wife cries sometimes in her sleep, and His mercy is severe. Will I come to the point when I can thank Him for the fire? When I can walk about unscathed in the furnace? Perhaps, my sin may be what causes me to feel the flame now. Perhaps like dross, the fire is to burn it away. Perhaps...

Pain, Pain, go Away; Come Again Some Other Day

Why must it be that life must be so painful at times? Why do we do and say things that hurt one another and then turn away as if nothing had happened? Why does the church feel at times like a shark infested ocean? Why do we worship a God of healing and restoration, and yet refuse to offer even a crumb of either to one another?
Once again I am reminded that we live in a fallen world, that even we who proclaim God's name often find ourselves in a far country removed, we think, from His sight. And pain weaves it's cocoon around us and we find again that when we hurt, we are alone no matter how many people are around us.
Today I must remind myself that God never said He would take our pain away, what He did promise us is that he would be in the midst of it with us. Somewhere He is here, I can almost hear his slow, rhythmic breathing. But I can't reach out to Him, not yet. I am scared even to trust the one I love above all else.
But soon, healing will come, life will go on, but for now there is only the pain that will not let go.

What's me gonna do now?

My father in law used to say it whenever he couldn't clearly see the way to go in some crisis, "What's me gonna do now?" Interesting fellow, he was. Born in Chile, of Swiss parents who mostly spoke German, emigrated to Cullman, Ala. where he picked up southern English. Talk about an accent! A wonderful fellow, could grow anything God ever created.

``````

I was thinking about him the other day when I was "invited" to teach a class of ministers and laity a bit about monasticism. The person doing the "inviting" came up with the course title as "Monk Habits for Today's Stressed-Out Christians." Needless to say, that wouldn't have been my choice!

"What's me gonna do now?" Oh yeah, I'm to teach it one afternoon, a week from this Sunday, January 11th. Well, I suppose I can talk about regular prayer, it really staggers me sometimes when it is brought home to me again how many people have no real concept of prayer. Reminds me of the cartoon on a seminary wall. On the left is a congenial looking group of men in a loose circle. On the right is a lone figure, obviously the subject of the discussion. The caption reads, "And then the pastor asked Harry to pray, and all he could think of to say was, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." Funny, but a lot truer than I would like to admit. So, yes, prayer.

And then a bit about Lectio Divina for beginners. Slow, thoughtful reading of scripture, that might be the ticket. Stressed out, yeah, so many people I talk to are living on the knife edge all the time. Slow down, read a psalm, read it a phrase, a word, at a time and let your mind go with the flow of God's word for you as contained there in. A group of evangelicals might not find that to threatening.

But what and where from there is the question. Anyone want to throw out a few ideas? Thanks in advance and God bless!